10 things

10 things about me (if you're a close friend, all of the things below will be old news to you).

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1. I don't like watching TV. I have minimal patience with having to sit in front of the TV for long periods of time and having to adjust my life/activities according to the timings (show timeslots, commercial breaks, etc). It doesn't mean I don't like watching TV shows, series, or movies. I do. I just prefer to do it at my leisure.

2. I am a speed reader but a slow writer. Always overthinking.

3. Vegetables and fruits are my daily staple. I actually really, really like them. But of course, I always get idiotic comments on how I am still overweight despite of my love for fruits and veggies.

4. I speak reasonably good English because it is my first language. I also have all the patience in the world with people who don't speak good English, because I can only imagine what it would be like to learn Russian from scratch. Read: Learning language is difficult for most people and condescension does not help in any way.

5. My husband is 187cm tall, while I measure at a much shorter 157cm. Yes, that would be a whole foot (30 cm) in height difference.

6. I hate balloons. At one point of my life, I was absolutely terrified of them, but not anymore. It's called "Globophobia".

7. I only become quiet from my usual cheerful, chatterbox self when I am (a) sick and/or exhausted or (b) feeling supremely annoyed. When I act moody with someone, usually it's because they annoy the crap out of me and I want to limit interactions with them. It's my automatic defense mechanism.

8. I am so NOT a morning person. Which is not a good thing, I know.

9. My ex-roommates will identify this as the oddest thing about me: I will not sit/lie down (or let anyone else) on the bed when wearing clothes that have been worn outside of the house, or sat on the floor with, or cooked/cleaned/etc with. Neither will I put my towel, handbag or any other foreign objects on the bed. I don't think its a germaphobe thing since it's only applicable for my bed at my own place. Control issues, maybe?

10. I can't believe I took three hours to list 10 things about myself. Refer point No 2.


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I just felt like randomly writing about stuff that no one even asked me about. I'm weird like that.

About learning from mistakes.

Assalamualaikum...

As usual, it's been awhile.

I have so much to say sometimes, I don't know where to start. But today, after months of blogging in my head and never actually getting anything published, I have decided that starting to blog again is a good way to  clear my head.

You see, I've been through a bit of an inner-turmoil for quite some time. I have felt insecure, depressed, angry, delusional, and in general just not very happy. I believe the popular term is quarter life crisis - assuming that I live to 100 years old, that is.

I could easily blame it on a number of things. Work, relationships, health, stuff in general.

Not today. Today, I want to talk about self reflection.

Please be warned: this a long and serious post.

I have always believed that things happen in your life - to you, to the people around you - for a reason. No one or nothing is put in your path other than for you to learn from them, whether in a positive or negative manner. A crucial part of becoming an adult is to accept that everyone is different due to the different backgrounds and goals in life. The way we were raised, the values we were taught, the environment we grew up in, our parents, our families, our friends, our education backgrounds - all of these things influence the person we become.

There are, however, the choices that we can make for ourselves.

Attitude.
What you choose to eat.
Who you choose to be (close) friends with.
Who you choose to influence you.
How you choose to interact with people. Or not to interact with people.
How you choose to respond to certain situations.
etc.

These choices show our true characters. Of course, there are also things that you cannot avoid, despite you having the will to choose.

Your family.
Your colleagues and clients.
Your cultural and religious observations (once established).
etc.

Again, your 'character' will determine how you respond or adapt to the above.

In all honesty, I'm not here to talk about morality or to give a lecture on how to be a good person. This is my self-reflection. I need to understand why I have been feeling the way I have, and to understand why people are the way they are.

I have pinpointed the reason of my (pseudo-) depression to a recent negativity that I have been facing, to the point of feeling my patience and resolve draining. I don't mean negativity in terms of slander or egg-throwing rascals or evil spirits haunting me. Neither do I work in customer service or have to deal with the general public's common complaints about everything in life.

For me, negativity came in the form of a 'friend'. Negativity always wounds the deepest when it is masked and disguised as a harmless, friendly figure - does it not? It only proceeds to slowly kill your self-resolve by feeding you sugar-coated poison.

Think about it. People who are only nice to your face. People who tell you things to hurt you on purpose. People who always think the worst of everyone.

It made me question myself, my self-respect, my patience - my whole character. It made me lose sleep and dread the coming days. It affected me so much that I did not want to speak of it, until one day when coerced by my husband, the dam burst and all the things I suppressed came rushing out in the form of negative words. How it had poisoned my heart, my character - how I had let it. How I had returned the negativity in the same form, and how it had come out the same way it creeped in.

Astarghfirullahal'azim.

Somehow I failed to guard my own character from being influenced. Somehow I felt I needed to return the negativity because I failed to understand that people are different. But I am only human...

Think about it, again. How many times have you criticized people because they do things differently or have different tastes from you? How many times have you looked down on people because you've never understood their predicaments? How many times have you spoke ill of people because you think they are (forgive my words) stupid, ugly, unworthy...?

In self-reflection, I have found that this is Allah's test for me. Learn from others. Learn how it hurts to be on the other side of the fence. None of this is a coincidence. No one and nothing is put in your path without a reason.

I feel lighter now that I have come to this conclusion, and also because my husband has been so wonderfully supportive and loving in tending to my insecurities. I can only hope that those of you who are going through the same thing will find peace as I have.

Negative things and people influence you only when you let them influence you. Walk away. If you cannot avoid them completely, distance yourself. Remove yourself emotionally. Try your best not to respond the same way, and never send ill wishes in any way (verbally, mentally, or online). Observe how people respond to you - are they comfortable? Or do people tend to avoid you? If it's the latter, then it's time to do a self-reflection.. like I did.

Learning from your mistakes is truly rewarding. Insya Allah.

Rolling again.

I am proud to announce that I now have a gadget with the Blogger app. This means... I will start blogging again!

I WILL!

I always knew it was the sun, you loved.

I've been feeling a bit mellow these past few weeks. Struck by sickness one after the other, but Alhamdulillah have been fighting through steadily. Sometimes what a girl needs is just a little timeout for R&R, a wonderfully loving husband to cuddle, and lots of bad TV shows as a distraction. Yeah, did all that - including the mind over matter psychotherapy thing -  and hey, I've found myself doing ok. I needed to work throughout the illness bouts anyway, so there really is no rest for the wicked(-ly fabulous :P)!

It reminds me of my sick days in the UK. Gosh, I was sick all the time. The bitter cold, the pressure of studying, the bitter cold, my rubbish immune system, and the bitter cold easily got me sniffling for weeks at a time. Oh did I mention the weather was always bitterly cold? Have I really? Oh, well... yeah. Those harsh winter days, I never thought I'd remember what it was like to be nice and warm. Or what normal room temperature should be like. Many times over, our whole house was actually much colder than the fridge. Really, you can tell that I'm Jawa to the very core of my soul by my not being able to stand the cold.

Surprisingly, my darling husband Syahrin never had as much of a problem with the unforgiving temperatures compared to his wimpy wife who was always shivering and bundled up in as many layers as humanly possible. He was almost never sick. Honestly I never thought I'd be the one who couldn't stand the weather. Well for one, I've got more fat percentage for my height than he does, although his perut is bigger (:P). Now I know that that doesn't really relate to cold-resistance or heat-retention, whichever way you want to look at it. Plus, I've experienced much lower temperatures in other countries, but I would buckle at well above freezing point in the UK. Especially when its raining and the crazy winds come at you from every angle. Ooooh, even the thought of it makes me feel like rolling myself into a cocoon of duvets (cause I'm dramatic like that). Meanwhile Syahrin, born and bred in Taiping, Malaysia (and absolutely proud of it! Wassup Tepen homies yawwww!) had absolutely no problem with whatever the weather decided to throw at us on any given day. He was always just so blasé about the cold and didn't need the heater or protective clothing on as much as I did.

Just so you know Sayang, I am absolutely in awe with you. You're my idol. When I grow up and decide to pursue my PhD in another one of those cold countries, I want to be just like you. But without the perut. Ahahaha. Tengok, merepek. Kutuk suami kena panah petir nanti Izza! Haih -_-"

Heh, its sort of funny to think of how much I despised the cold back then. Right now, in all of the tropical-climate glory of Malaysia, I avoid going out at daytime and would rather sit all day on my fat bum in my 2-horsepower-air-conditioned office room. Can we say, hyyypppooocrriiiiteeee? Uh huh! Although I've got to admit, I'd take the hot blazing sun all year round over snow-once-in-a-while anytime in my life. It really isn't that bad in Malaysia (wait til you get the chance to experience Mediterranean heat. Fuh! 47 deg Celcius!!), and we don't need to change our wardrobe every 3 months, or install heating systems in our house to survive, or wake up really early in the morning to de-ice the car, or worry about how to dry the clothes you just washed, or have to wait 5 minutes for the water to warm up before you can cebok.

I know this all sounds exaggerated. It probably is, to be honest. But like I've said before, people's experiences are always different. Students who live in dorms with private bathrooms, laundry and all-inclusive rent wouldn't need to worry about heating, bills, or dealing with landlords. Locals are used to the routine and have adapted their houses/lifestyles accordingly. Sebab tu la depa pakai kasut dalam rumah and mandi 3 hari sekali! Sekarang paham kenapa kan? Most people would turn on the centralized heating for many hours if they can afford to (heating uses a lot of energy and is very expensive), whereas poor foreign students like me would rather freeze to death than pay 600 pounds for 3 months of full heating during winter. My husband and I only turned on the heating for two hours in the morning and two hours at night, even in the coldest winter days. Lama sikit on kalau nak kena basuh baju and keringkan guna heater rumah tu. We paid about 150 pounds for 6 months.. jimat! 600 pounds boleh buat jalan-jalan around Europe for two people k. Sanggup lagi demam selsema tetiap minggu sebab nak jimat duit punya pasal. Macam tu lah susahnya kami yang hangpa dok ingat seronok sangat pi berjalan sana sini and shopping sakan. Susah tau tak susah, bukan senang lenang hari-hari makan nasi campur kat seksyen 2 pastu petang-petang dating kat Taman Tasik Shah Alam pastu malam sket lepak kat mamak plak. Aku tau sebab dulu aku pun selalu buat masa kat UiTM, tettttt.

Errr ok. So back to being sick. And the sun. The relation? I think being home in tropical Malaysia has made me less prone to illnesses, or at least I have had a better response mechanism to it. I can handle the heat much better than the cold. I can get over feverish symptoms in a day by drinking lots of water and sweating it out. As for avoiding weather-influenced illnesses, I can pretty much guess (from repeated patterns) when the rain would come in the day or when the peak of heat will strike and can then safely plan my day around the timings. The weather is relatively predictable and the nights and days are perfectly divided into 12 hours each. The malls here are open until 10pm at night. Eh tiba-tiba. Ok I know this is totally unrelated, but shops closing at 5pm in the UK used to stress me out sooooooo much! We all know that stress is unhealthy, right? But hold up hold up. The best part is: I don't need an air-conditioning device to survive in Malaysia, and I sure as heck don't need a water heater just so that I can cebok without accidentally freezing my ovaries. Believe me, these two things (surviving in natural ambient temperature and cebok-ing) contribute greatly to the state of my health. Well..air-conditioning I can understand. But the next time you use a water heater just because you think your water supply is cold, think again; do you really need to waste that much energy on a country that already has such a pleasant water temperature?

BERSYUKURLAH.

Pandai je cakap orang aku ni -_-"

Hokay! As a closing piece to my incredibly long and pointless rant about the weather, here is a song by a band I fell in love with during the cold rainy days in the UK. I felt like sharing this because I am currently so bored with the mainstream music in the radios (Seriously, am I the only living person in this country who is not obsessed with K-Pop?). A haunting song that just gets me each time I listen to it. Click play:

Raindrops, 
They're dropping on me
Like your heart's in the clouds above.
But one day, they'll drift right away,
I never wanted the rain to stop.
The sun you love.
I always knew it was the sun you loved...


You can listen to their other stuff here if you want to, although I personally prefer their live/acoustic performances rather than the recorded songs.

So what makes you feel better when you're sick?



P/S: I found out today that chocolate fudge sundaes are good for relieving swollen/inflamed tonsils. Worked like a charm and I'm now all goooooooddd! ;D

Hey! When did I start this blog... ?

Isn't it just like me to update once every 3 months. I even forgot what the title of this blog was!

Sigh. So much for being "consistent".

But forgive me, dear journal. I have been fighting to regain control over life in general. It's been a cosy 6 months since I've been home. I've put on so much weight, its not funny. I've been struggling to control my nafsu because being overweight is not just aesthetically displeasing; it is also very unhealthy. If anything, I hate being unhealthy much much more that I'll ever hate being fat. So yes, trying to keep my desires in check now please.

Work is steadily taking up 80% of my time, my weeknights, my weekends; constantly infiltrating my dreams and thoughts and holidays (if any). Orang muda kena kerja kuat, said my boss. Orang muda kena gigih berjasa kepada negara. I remind myself everyday that I shouldn't be complaining about work when this is what I chose to do.


Writing about work is something I'll do another day. Instead, I need to figure out if I can keep up with blogging. For me it takes a lot of effort because I put in a lot of effort in writing these posts. Pitfalls of being academically trained in writing - you tend to read and reread and reread everything you write to make sure it flows well and is appropriately analytical and isn't redundant and doesn't unintentionally offend anyone. The impact of this is that it takes me half an hour to write and edit a single paragraph -_-" Sometimes I'll write something and think, ok wait thats no good. *Proceeds to delete whole paragraph.* Haihhh. Waste of my bloody half an hour, I tell ya.

I've mentioned before that I intend for this blog to be an archive of my memories and experiences. But lets face it, that's quite a heavy theme for an inconsistent blogger like me. Sometimes I'd be excited to start writing something, but then the excitement would die about a quarter way through as soon as I remember that I'd need to think hard to actually remember those memories and experiences. Not to mention the need to edit a gazillion pictures for the post. So yeah, I've been trying to find ways to make blogging a lighter experience for me.

All throughout the time I've been keeping this blog vacant, I have been happily blogwalking and surfing through Malaysia's most popular blogspots (and blogshops! :D :D :D). I wanted a feel of what the Malaysian youths were writing about in their blogs, which style of writing was most common, what kind of topics the youth were out to discuss. I've subsequently discovered that there has been a recent outburst of fashion bloggers, and an increasingly widening audience to this genre. Apparently the most popular blogging styles were ones that involved minimal writing and heaped on lots of pretty pictures of pretty girls. (Minimal writing = minimal time deleting paragraphs = happy blogger).

Despite major criticism from people who think fashion blogging is 'bimbo blogging', I don't think its necessarily a bad thing. For one, I have found great inspiration in revamping my wardrobe based on classy young lady bloggers. As a student I was always just a t-shirt-and-jeans girl without much thought for fashion (plus the fact that I was constantly broke). However, as a corporate businesswoman (aicecehhh), I wanted to exude a bit more elegance. I rejoice in meeting hijabis in the blogosphere who embrace individuality while staying perfectly modest.

Then again, there is the fine line between being fashionable and being a fashion victim. I have witnessed too many people lose themselves in other people's identities for the sake of fashion. Trying too hard to be mainstream, I think? To be popular, to be desired, to have lots and lots of followers and admirers.

So the dilemma is; do I jump into the bandwagon and dip my toes into fashion blogging? It would be easy. I'd only need to take pictures of my (supposedly) pretty clothes. No heavy, intense organizing and re-organizing of thoughts. I could update by uploading my 'outfit of the day'. I could give out tips of fashion do's and dont's. Hmmm..

Alas, after laughing at myself for several hours, the answer is a big fat no.

Not only would I be making a fool out of myself since I am in no way a fashionable person, I would also be a victim of peer pressure. And really, what was my reason for blogging in the first place anyway? To imitate what other people were doing? No, Izza, it was not. Please slap yourself now. Stop being such an indecisive quarter-life-crisis person.

Anyway, I've decided to just wing it - a mix of light stuff and intense stuff here and there. Maybe a post on an outfit that I like, maybe a post on discovering my faith, maybe a post on happy memories, and maybe another post on another outfit that I like. But I've got to keep writing. Its actually really therapeutic :) Feels great to look back once in a while and read what I was thinking a few days, weeks, or months ago. Remembering what it is/was like to be me.

So. Here's to trying to post something up a bit more frequently than once every 3 months. Wish me luck.


Loves.


P/S: I've figured out why I'm so uptight with writing stuff. I have OCD.
PP/S: Sorry for the lack of pictures. Lazy. Yeah I know.

The beginning, back then.

It has been two and a half months since my husband, Syahrin and I have been home in Malaysia. Two and a half months since we last realized that our extended honeymoon was finally coming to an end. Two months since I've started working again after a year-long hiatus from wearing pant suits and rushing to meetings.

Attempted to board the train for Hogwarts at Platform 9 and 3/4;

But arrived in KLIA instead!

I can barely remember the hazy days of hectic/frantic writing-up; can't believe it was actually not so long ago. It's funny how when I was studying for my Master's degree, I couldn't wait to start working again. Now after only two months of working, I'm already planning to do another Master's. Its like I'm a glutton for self-punishment: Must Drive Self Crazy By Taking Totally Stressful Degrees, Preferably in a Foreign Country, At Least Once Every Two Years. Hmmm.

Truth be told, I miss the UK. I miss my quirky British neighbours, the Malaysian community in Coventry, and I even miss waiting for the bus at ungodly hours. I miss my darling girlfriends Julia and Fiona, and how we got along so well despite the differences in religion, race and culture. I am entirely glad to be home, though.. it is truly where the heart is. People always think that being abroad for just one year won't make much of a difference. Let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen. Don't assume anything until you've actually experienced it. There is something about knowing that you have very, very limited time that makes you grab and absorb everything as quickly as possible.

Alumni; The University of Warwick.

I could safely say that my experience as a postgrad student in the UK was a rare one, if not unusual than most. But lets face it, there are about a gazillion Malaysians studying, working or living in the UK. My experience couldn't be that different, could it? Well it was definitely a challenging time that my husband and I had to overcome without much experience or guidance from anyone else.

For one, The University of Warwick isn't a well known institution in Malaysia despite it's good reputation amongst universities in the UK. Having said this, note that the average Malaysian would opt for cities like London and Manchester and Liverpool and Newcastle - because that's where all the football action is. And come on, it's nice to name a place that evvveerryyyonnee knows, right? As in, "Kau blaja kat mana?" "Kat Manchester bro". Instead of, "Kau blaja kat mana?" "Kat Warwick Uni." "Hah? Kat mana tu? Tak pernah dengar pun team bola Warwick. "


I get this with almost everyone that asks. 

Another confusing fact is that although the university is called the University of Warwick, it's actually in the (pretty boring) city of Coventry, situated in the West Midlands. Most universities in the UK are named after the city/town its situated in, like University of Oxford is in Oxford, and University of Cambridge is in Cambridge. Etc etc. To be fair the university is quite near to the town of Warwick, and Coventry used to be part of Warwickshire... but lets not get into boring details. Bottom line is, it's not in Warwick, but in Coventry. Coventry is now supposed to be the 9th largest city in the UK or something like that, as a matter of random fact.

So what's the campus like, you say?

A fleeting glimpse. Pictures were taken on the last day we were there.

Despite not necessarily being the top destination for Malaysian students, Warwick Uni is in no way short of Malaysians. There is a rapidly growing number of undergraduate students and a well-established Malaysian society (mostly lead by mature PhD students) in the city. A lot of Bank Negara and PNB Scholars study at the prestigious Warwick Business School. In fact, that's what University of Warwick is most known for, I think. Which brings me to another reason why I had a hard time sorting myself out in the beginning:

Warwick Holticulture Research International (HRI) is the department that conducts the MSc (Environmental BioScience in a Changing Climate. Mouthful, I know!) I was to undertake. A good school for Agriculture and Environment related studies in the UK, but located approximately 18km off of the main campus in Coventry (this one is actually in Warwickshire). With no direct or easy public transportation. And with no record of any Malaysian in living history to ever set foot on that particular campus.Glad that someone (ehem) finally did, but really, it was no walk in the park trying to figure out what I needed to do in the first few days!

Now, you might think who on earth would study Agriculture and the Environment when you can study Rocket Science and Finance and Italian Arts History and Filmology and all sorts of other cool stuff while in the UK?

A question I will answer in the next post. Gotta get me some shut eyes, darls. I have a feeling its going to be a long weekend, this one.

Restart.

Alhamdulillah.

Praise be to the Almighty Allah for blessing me with His light and grace. For enabling me to pause at the most hectic time of my life, and for showing me that life is a steep learning curve that we should always strive to climb.

I am Izza Ismail, an ordinary but unorthodox member of the Homo sapiens.

I was most fortunate to get a sponsorship for my Master's degree in the University of Warwick, United Kingdom, and went abroad with my (at the time) newly-wed husband. Talk about diving head-first into a pool of uncertainties! Now we are safely back home in Malaysia, and starting our life over from scratch. However, I am truly humbled by my past experiences; experiences that I want to share with my fellow friends and family.

After years of blogging on-and-off about mindless things, I really hope I will be somewhat consistent in sharing my thoughts and experiences in this blog. Mind you, my moods are quite colourful, shall I say. One day I'll be all serious journalistic-type Izza,and the next I'll be goofy-ranting-rambling Izza. A trait of the Gemini that I have learned to embrace ;) But I long to share the discoveries I've made while trying to find myself in this vast, open world.

After all, the journey is the reward; and rewards are more meaningful when shared, don't you think?

Sharing.

Loves.