About learning from mistakes.

Assalamualaikum...

As usual, it's been awhile.

I have so much to say sometimes, I don't know where to start. But today, after months of blogging in my head and never actually getting anything published, I have decided that starting to blog again is a good way to  clear my head.

You see, I've been through a bit of an inner-turmoil for quite some time. I have felt insecure, depressed, angry, delusional, and in general just not very happy. I believe the popular term is quarter life crisis - assuming that I live to 100 years old, that is.

I could easily blame it on a number of things. Work, relationships, health, stuff in general.

Not today. Today, I want to talk about self reflection.

Please be warned: this a long and serious post.

I have always believed that things happen in your life - to you, to the people around you - for a reason. No one or nothing is put in your path other than for you to learn from them, whether in a positive or negative manner. A crucial part of becoming an adult is to accept that everyone is different due to the different backgrounds and goals in life. The way we were raised, the values we were taught, the environment we grew up in, our parents, our families, our friends, our education backgrounds - all of these things influence the person we become.

There are, however, the choices that we can make for ourselves.

Attitude.
What you choose to eat.
Who you choose to be (close) friends with.
Who you choose to influence you.
How you choose to interact with people. Or not to interact with people.
How you choose to respond to certain situations.
etc.

These choices show our true characters. Of course, there are also things that you cannot avoid, despite you having the will to choose.

Your family.
Your colleagues and clients.
Your cultural and religious observations (once established).
etc.

Again, your 'character' will determine how you respond or adapt to the above.

In all honesty, I'm not here to talk about morality or to give a lecture on how to be a good person. This is my self-reflection. I need to understand why I have been feeling the way I have, and to understand why people are the way they are.

I have pinpointed the reason of my (pseudo-) depression to a recent negativity that I have been facing, to the point of feeling my patience and resolve draining. I don't mean negativity in terms of slander or egg-throwing rascals or evil spirits haunting me. Neither do I work in customer service or have to deal with the general public's common complaints about everything in life.

For me, negativity came in the form of a 'friend'. Negativity always wounds the deepest when it is masked and disguised as a harmless, friendly figure - does it not? It only proceeds to slowly kill your self-resolve by feeding you sugar-coated poison.

Think about it. People who are only nice to your face. People who tell you things to hurt you on purpose. People who always think the worst of everyone.

It made me question myself, my self-respect, my patience - my whole character. It made me lose sleep and dread the coming days. It affected me so much that I did not want to speak of it, until one day when coerced by my husband, the dam burst and all the things I suppressed came rushing out in the form of negative words. How it had poisoned my heart, my character - how I had let it. How I had returned the negativity in the same form, and how it had come out the same way it creeped in.

Astarghfirullahal'azim.

Somehow I failed to guard my own character from being influenced. Somehow I felt I needed to return the negativity because I failed to understand that people are different. But I am only human...

Think about it, again. How many times have you criticized people because they do things differently or have different tastes from you? How many times have you looked down on people because you've never understood their predicaments? How many times have you spoke ill of people because you think they are (forgive my words) stupid, ugly, unworthy...?

In self-reflection, I have found that this is Allah's test for me. Learn from others. Learn how it hurts to be on the other side of the fence. None of this is a coincidence. No one and nothing is put in your path without a reason.

I feel lighter now that I have come to this conclusion, and also because my husband has been so wonderfully supportive and loving in tending to my insecurities. I can only hope that those of you who are going through the same thing will find peace as I have.

Negative things and people influence you only when you let them influence you. Walk away. If you cannot avoid them completely, distance yourself. Remove yourself emotionally. Try your best not to respond the same way, and never send ill wishes in any way (verbally, mentally, or online). Observe how people respond to you - are they comfortable? Or do people tend to avoid you? If it's the latter, then it's time to do a self-reflection.. like I did.

Learning from your mistakes is truly rewarding. Insya Allah.